It's been a long time since my last post. Had a lot going on and my heart (and my head) just wasn't in the right place to post without sounding rebellious, cenical, and angry. As a family, we have been going through a lot. We're making preparations to move in a few weeks, which is stressful enough. The car is in the shop again. This time it's not so bad; only $500 instead of the normal $1500 each time we take it in. Hannah is home for the summer, which adds another body in our already small house and another mouth at our already baren table. I, as the father, take on the whole weight of the guilt of not being able to take care of all of them and I feel like a failure when we struggle to make ends meet. It may not be real but it's how I feel. We are in a state of waiting. An eternal nightmare of not knowing where we are or where we are going. We only know that this can't possibly be it. This can't be where God intends to leave us. We are ready to be moved or to be content.
Patricia is taking a class on worship this quarter that I took last summer at Liberty. It was an awesome class and changed my life and my view of worship. The professor became a friend as much as a teacher during the class. I decided today to send Patricia some of the papers that I wrote for the class just to give her direction. It's one of those classes that you forget that you are getting credit for because you loose yourself in the passion of what you're studying.
Anyway, long story short. As I was looking through my thumb drive, I ran across something I wrote way back when I worked at the trucking company that laid me off. I remembered the day I wrote it and the way I was feeling and had to close my office door to hide my tears. My heart is so heavy and hungry. No only do I take on the financial responsibilty for our family, but I feel like I've failed in being the spiritual leader of our family. We are not evil people, we haven't all become drug addicts or anything; but we have definately slipped.
I found myself burying my face in my hands and asking God, "Where are you?". I only heard the words, "Where are you?". That's the problem. I don't know where I am. I only know that I feel lost and hopeless and I am hungry for the presence of God. I am very homesick and it seems the road has been closed and everyone else has taken a detour that I somehow missed. Since I changed my major to psychology, it seems that my soul is not getting fed. Since I attend a Christian university, the Bible is always included in everything we do, but I spend very little time studying about my passion. The whole reason I decided to go back to school is because I had spent so much time working toward a career that ended up leaving me in the unemployment line, and so little time working toward the things that would last for eternity. Now I find myself lost and I don't know how to get back home. I have lost my scense of wonder.
I've included part of what I wrote.
We live in a world where God’s people spend too much time arguing over worship. The deafening sounds of opinions over styles and personal tastes have all but silenced the sound of a beating heart that longs to worship; truly worship. I have been on a long journey in a very short time. It has been one of those weeks where I feel I’ve lived a lifetime in a few short hours. It began when I had a friend who asked me how our service was last week. I replied, “It was fine, how was yours?” “It was glorious, she said, “The worship was wonderful. We surely kissed Jesus with our worship”. I sat there on the other end of the phone in stunned silenced. “Kissed Jesus, with your worship?” I thought. I don’t even remember the rest of the conversation. All I do know is that my heart began to burn within me. The flames of soul had been fanned. I longed for the times when I kissed Jesus with my worship. I closed my office door and began to weep. In just few words, the whole and complete desire of my heart was spoken. I have spent so much of my time trying to explain and describe something that so many people just don’t get. Worship is not some great mysterious puzzle. It is not a program that can be duplicated. It is just plainly and simply, walking with God. The true worshippers will understand what I’m saying. There is a sermon to be preached, I will not preach it. I can only live my life in such a way that I will be welcomed to walk with God in the cool of the day; To let Him hold me close, speak my name and occasionally allow me to kiss His face as I worship Him. He is the great lover of my soul.
Blessings
Allen
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