Rumors of God

I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears!I'm sorry—forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise! I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor. Job 42:5-6

I read this verse this morning in a book I am reading called "Secondhand Jesus". I have to admit; I am just at chapter 2 and normally a book has "grabbed" be by now. This one hasn't yet. I will keep reading though. I was struck by these verses. We are sometimes too content to live on the rumors of God. We listen to messages and hear testimonies of how God performed miracles in the lives of His people. The altars are full and for a few moments or days it looks like God has brought revival. We can't live our lives on the experiences of others. I guess that is where I find myself today. I feel like we're living in some remote corner of the universe alone. I feel like the experiences I have had with God are just distant memories or maybe even fantasies. I find myself in a place of discontentment. I am not content to live my life only knowing God through the stories and the experiences of others. (rumors) I know God to be real and active. I have experinced the presence of God and felt the heaviness of His holiness. I have been forced face down on the floor in repentance, confession and worship. So why am I so discontent now? I can't put my finger on it, I just know that there is more and I want it.
Amidst the rubble of what is our lives these days, God has brought confirmation in some areas. One of those confirmations came in the middle of Walmart last night and the other came in a meeting tonight. I cannot discuss the details of either of these things here but at least two areas are cleared up.
I find myself sitting in front of the computer when everyone else is in bed asleep. I cannot sleep because the events of the day keep running through my mind. I was reading a devotion today about the great revival of 1857 started with one man praying, "What will you have me do?". I am struck by those words and have prayed them several times today. I am prepared to do whatever it is. I am not content to live my life on rumors of who God is or what He is able to do. I am not willing to just listen to stories of how God has delivered. I will not be satisfied with just knowing God from a distance. I want to see Him face to face.
I remember a few years ago that this discontentment started when I picked up a book in the bookstore. I am very funny when it comes to the books I read. I am very picky. I am not a deep theological thinker so the things that appeal to others do not appeal to me. This particular day I was walking down the aisle in the Christian bookstore and a book caught my eye. It literally fell off the shelf into my hands. I read the back cover of the book and almost broke into tears. It seemed that whoever this author was had captured the desires of my heart between the pages of this book. I got home that day and started reading. I must remind you that I was raised Independent Baptist and had been Southern Baptist for years so the whole consept of the Holy Spirit was not something that we talked about that often. I remember in the beginning of the book the writer told a story of how God had manifested Himself. It seems that the presence of God was so powerful that a pulpit was split in half and people were forced to their faces. My first inclination was to close the book. "This can't be real" I told myself. I remember the dissapointment I felt that what I hoped would unleash the passion in my heart had been nothing more than another fairy tale. But then I heard the voice of God. I simple heard Him say, "Read this book, this is real". I read and read and read. This book changed my life. It made me a God Chaser. It brought me to a place of total discontentment and total contentment all at once.
I know that this all seems scattered and that I can't seem to complete a thought, but that is how I find myself. I am in a state of discontented contentment; unsatified satifaction. I keep reading this verse over and over again. I am not content to live on the rumors of God. I am not satisfied with crumbs. I will only be satisfied with the real thing.
Rumors of You

I am not content to live my life with stories of You
I do not intend to just believe what others say You’ll do
I want a passion ever burning
And a hunger ever yearning
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You

I want to know You
And I want to see You for myself
I want to touch You
I want to feel You for myself
I want Your breath to light the fire
Fan the flame of my desire
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You

I am not content to live my life just seeking Your hand
To live my life receiving only blessings is not in my plan
I want a passion ever burning
And a hunger ever yearning
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You

Blessings
Allen