Leaning Forward

I am currently reading a book by Bob Kauflin called "Worship Matters".  It's a powerful book but I had gotten to a portion of the book that seemed hard to follow.  I was having trouble keeping my attention on the book.  Most times when this happens while I'm reading I will put the book away for a while and pick it up later; possibly weeks or months later.  I've probably underlined more in this book than any other I have read.  
I was about to put the book down when I came across a portion of the book that talked about "leaning forward" to hear what the Holy Spirit was saying.  My heart was immediately pricked. 
Recently we felt the call of God to return to our home church.  We had not idea why, at this time, that God was leading us in this direction; we just knew it was time to go home.  It's been almost 20 years since we've been there.  Since that time they have added staff members, added a service and moved to a larger facility.  Not much else has changed.  Most of the faces of the people we loved all those years ago are still present along with a host of new ones; some born in and some coming into the fellowship on their own.  Regardless, it's good to be home. 
Why did this subject come up today?  A couple of days ago Patricia and I were talking about how hungry our hearts were for real worship.  We have found ourselves in the "sitting back" position not really expecting God to do anything miraculous.  What a shame for a family who has experienced God in real and tangible ways. 
How do I get back to a "leaning forward" position?  I'm not really sure. 
I reflected yesterday about how I had written something that had been misinterpreted and misunderstood by someone.  I talked about how it had taken the wind out of my sails and I had not written much because of it.  That posting was about expectancy.  How ironic that the subject that was so fresh on my mind yesterday is again in the forefront of my mind.  I remember the intimate times with my Father.  I have experienced times of closeness that were so real that I believed that if I stretched out my hand, I would touch His face.  Where has my sense of wonder gone?  Why am I no longer leaning forward to hear His voice?  Somewhere along the road I have leaned back and crossed my arms instead of leaning forward and listening intently to what God has to say about our situation. 
Our family has faced struggle this past year and I'm afraid that the end is not in sight.  How we will make it through the dark days to come is beyond me.  I find myself in a state of anger sometimes.  I wish I could just get to the place where I simply trusted God.  I look into the faces of my family and am consumed with such guilt.  I feel that I have failed them.  "Children are resilient" I am told.  "They will remember the faith you showed and the fact that the family held together through the tough times".  I grew up poor, not because my parents didn't make good money but because my dad drank and gambled it away.  There was little left after he paid his weekly bar tab and the gambling debts.  Mom worked hard for minimum wage to afford us the things we had.  I don't think I was that resilient.  I held a lot of bitterness for years and resentment toward them for the suffering we endured.  I was determined to make a better life and be different than my parents.
Today I am determined to uncross my arms and lean forward and try to get my sense of expectancy back.  I must admit that the past few months have been met with a "What are You going to do to me today" attitude.  I want to change that.  It is time for this man of self proclaimed faith to "put up or shut up" and start living a life of expectancy again.
Blessings
Allen