Leaning Forward

I am currently reading a book by Bob Kauflin called "Worship Matters".  It's a powerful book but I had gotten to a portion of the book that seemed hard to follow.  I was having trouble keeping my attention on the book.  Most times when this happens while I'm reading I will put the book away for a while and pick it up later; possibly weeks or months later.  I've probably underlined more in this book than any other I have read.  
I was about to put the book down when I came across a portion of the book that talked about "leaning forward" to hear what the Holy Spirit was saying.  My heart was immediately pricked. 
Recently we felt the call of God to return to our home church.  We had not idea why, at this time, that God was leading us in this direction; we just knew it was time to go home.  It's been almost 20 years since we've been there.  Since that time they have added staff members, added a service and moved to a larger facility.  Not much else has changed.  Most of the faces of the people we loved all those years ago are still present along with a host of new ones; some born in and some coming into the fellowship on their own.  Regardless, it's good to be home. 
Why did this subject come up today?  A couple of days ago Patricia and I were talking about how hungry our hearts were for real worship.  We have found ourselves in the "sitting back" position not really expecting God to do anything miraculous.  What a shame for a family who has experienced God in real and tangible ways. 
How do I get back to a "leaning forward" position?  I'm not really sure. 
I reflected yesterday about how I had written something that had been misinterpreted and misunderstood by someone.  I talked about how it had taken the wind out of my sails and I had not written much because of it.  That posting was about expectancy.  How ironic that the subject that was so fresh on my mind yesterday is again in the forefront of my mind.  I remember the intimate times with my Father.  I have experienced times of closeness that were so real that I believed that if I stretched out my hand, I would touch His face.  Where has my sense of wonder gone?  Why am I no longer leaning forward to hear His voice?  Somewhere along the road I have leaned back and crossed my arms instead of leaning forward and listening intently to what God has to say about our situation. 
Our family has faced struggle this past year and I'm afraid that the end is not in sight.  How we will make it through the dark days to come is beyond me.  I find myself in a state of anger sometimes.  I wish I could just get to the place where I simply trusted God.  I look into the faces of my family and am consumed with such guilt.  I feel that I have failed them.  "Children are resilient" I am told.  "They will remember the faith you showed and the fact that the family held together through the tough times".  I grew up poor, not because my parents didn't make good money but because my dad drank and gambled it away.  There was little left after he paid his weekly bar tab and the gambling debts.  Mom worked hard for minimum wage to afford us the things we had.  I don't think I was that resilient.  I held a lot of bitterness for years and resentment toward them for the suffering we endured.  I was determined to make a better life and be different than my parents.
Today I am determined to uncross my arms and lean forward and try to get my sense of expectancy back.  I must admit that the past few months have been met with a "What are You going to do to me today" attitude.  I want to change that.  It is time for this man of self proclaimed faith to "put up or shut up" and start living a life of expectancy again.
Blessings
Allen

2011

It's been a while since I last posted.  Lots of reasons for that.  Mainly, it seems that something I posted months ago was misunderstood by someone who should have known better and it really took the wind out of my sails for a while.  I pour my heart out on this blog and it's intention is to chronicle my spiritual journey.  I've attenpted to post a few times but each time I tired, I found that only angry words appeared on my screen.  I have Facebook to post on if I feel the need to let off some steam. (LOL) 
Anyway, a lot has happened since my last post.  I am doing online school at Liberty.  Patricia has joined me and will begin classes this month.  I changed my major from Religion to Psychology/Christian Counseling because I just felt like I was wasting my time majoring in religion when I don't feel called to preach.  That and the fact that the Theology class I took last quarter and the Acts class I just finished opened my eyes to the fact that I will never be a theologian.  I just want to be a simple person that loves God with all his heart, mind and soul.  I don't care about all the "deep spiritual" things.  Well, let me rephrase that, I care but I don't think I should spend the rest of my life in school only to find out that God wasn't as concerned with doctrines that divide us as we thought.  I took a long look at the world and with the shape the economy is in and the devestation I see all over the world, I figured, Christian Counseling is where I should be.  We have way enough religion and it doesn't seem to being doing it's job as far as healing the hurt that the world is feeling right now. Oops!  I'm starting to sound bitter again. 
So.. let's catch up. 
As of the writing of this post, we are in the process of putting our home in Short Sale.  Long story short, we were turned down for our second application for loan modification.  There just isn't enough money to go around.  I am one of the vast numbers of underemployed people and Patricia is still unemployed.  We've cut corners and clipped coupons and everything imagineable to makes end meet and nothing is working.  If Patricia hadn't become the Coupon vixen we would not have had groceries at times.  That along with the residual financial aid we get from school, we have been able to survive. 
Regardless, there is not enough to support our family and keep our home.  We don't know at this time, how this will all end up or where we will have to live.  We don't even know the time table; that is up to God and the SunTrust Mortgage. 
Anyway, if you read this post, don't feel bad for us. We are scared and at times worried, but our faith in God remains strong.  We are praying constantly for a miracle.  My son says, "All that matters is that we're together".  That is the truth. 
I hope that one day we will all look back on this time and feel blessed. 
Blessings
Allen