I was reading an article by John Piper yesterday. I am not your typical John Piper devotee even though I have family members that believe his in the direct line of the messiah. I usually stere clear of anything I know is written by the members of the frozen chosen or their followers. I know what I believe, I know why I believe it and I think it's a shame that God's people have to argue and fight about something like the love of God and whether God loves everyone or just the ones He choses. I apparently don't enough free time. It strikes me a humorous when the story of The Samaritan Woman is used as an example of God's predestined chosing of believers yet in the same gospels, there is the story of Nicodemus who came to Jesus of his own accord. Sure the Holy Spirit calls us all and without that wooeing there would be no movement on our part toward God. I get that. I will probably be labeled a blasphemer, but I am convinced that the Bible teaches us that, yes, some are chosen, but some come on their own. I don't mean to take away from the omniscience or omnipotence of God. I just don't understand how some of this world's most Godly men can be on both sides of this issue. Could it be that they are both correct? Anyway, this is not the subject I wanted to talk about today.
I was struck by the article though. It was taken from a series of sermons from 1997 on worship. There are times when I read something that I feel so strongly about and am in such total agreement with that I find it hard not to shout. I was in my office at work so shouting was not an option. I did have to wipe away tears though. If this sermon was not pages and pages long, I would have posted it here but I think I would rather speak what my heart is saying.
He mentioned that the New Testament doesn't refer to worship at all the way that the Old Testament does. The word used for worship in the Old Testament literally meant to "fall down". That will preach. I have listened to literally thousands of hours of opinions and read thousands of pages devoted to the story of the Samaritan woman and when Jesus told her that the true worshippers would "worship in spirit and in truth". I have questioned that one myself. I have had several "aha" moments when I thought I had received some divine revelation that explained what that phrase really meant. I don't know if I am any clearer today than I was before but I scensed in my spirit that this was about to be cleared up in my own mind.
I must offer this....I am a worshipper. I have spent the majority of my life leading worship, learning about worship and truely hungering and thirsting for God. I know what it is like to have an insatiable hunger to be in the presence of God.
I have said before that when God is trying to show me something that He really wants me to grasp then He will point it more than once. So, I read this article by John Piper yesterday, then I happened to go to the same site today and ran across another sermon on worship by John Piper called "Boasting only in the Cross". Then I was watching my video for school today at lunch and it was on the stories of Nicodemus and The Samaritan Woman. Ok, ok. I get it. I think I am supposed to seek God and research what it means to worship "in spirit and truth". I believe I have started a journey today. I am not sure but it seems at every turn I am being faced with this subject. I began reading a book, yes, by John Piper, called "When I Don't Desire God". I don't know why I was prompted to download this book. I really do desire God but I was struck by a phrase I came across yesterday "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him". It is my soul desire to glorify God. I thought I understood this concept but I am convicted that I have not found my satisfaction in Him. I have sought satisfaction in the things that I do. I am told that I have a gift of leading worship; that I have a true annointing that few people have or experience. I am always amazed by that statement. I know I spend a lot of time in prayer and personal worship in preparation for leading worship. I have said many times that I am at my most peaceful and most in tune with God when I am leading worship. I have said that when I am leading worship I feel like I am doing what I was created to do. I am withdrawing those statements. I am created to glorify God. I cannot glorify Him to the fullness extend of my capability as long as I am not satisfied with Him. Not the things He can do, Him and only Him. WOW! Where will this lead me? Hopefully to contentment, happiness, joy, all those things I have struggled with for every moment of my existence. Today, I began a journey; maybe a journey into utter madness, maybe a journey home but it is a journey to find out what it means to be satisfied in God.
Blessings
Allen
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Change
I arrived at work this morning and during my normal routine I flipped my desk calendar to today's date, March 15. The verse on today's calendar is Romans 8:31-32 "If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold His own Son, but gave Him up for all of us, will He not with Him also give us everything else?" It didn't really click until I opened up the "Daily Bread" devotional for today; again Romans 8:31-32. I have learned over my many years that if God has something to say He says it. If He really has something to say, He says it twice. I think God is trying to tell me something.
I was feeling really cast aside this morning. After yesterday's meeting after church, I left thinking "What about me?" Apparently we have reached the point in our church's ministry that merely having a passion for ministry is not enough. A point where a degree is for more important than years of experience. I have felt that this day was coming. I have seen far too many churches cast aside their "seasoned" ministers for more "culturally relavent" ones. Excuse me, but I thought that we were all part of this culture.
Apparently a man who spends countless hours in prayer and meditation and personal worship, just to prepare for about 30 minutes of corporate worship. It seems to me that being Spirit Led is no longer culturally relevant. Our worship has become a travesty. We are more concerned with pleasing the worshipper instead of the object of our worship. I don't really understand where we get the new ideas about worship.
Anyway, our church voted yesterday to extend a call to a new worship/youth/college and career/janitor/church secretary minister. In my experience when a person is called to a church as a worship/anything, one of the ministries will suffer. I was a full-time worship leader for 5 years. It took everything I had to pray, meditate and seek God's face in personal worship. There was no way I would have had time to devote to another ministry, especially youth ministry. I have also served as a Youth Minister. That ministry alone consumed my entire life and the life of my family. How can you possibly devote yourself to a life consuming ministry like youth ministry and a life consuming ministry like worship pastoring? I don't believe it can be done.
I commented to my family yesterday that it is a very hard day when you realize that you have outlived your usefulness; at least to the church you have served faithfully. That is the emotional state that I am in today. I was not aware that I was ready for the Gaither Homecoming crowd. I don't even own a rhinestone jacket and Patricia's hair is no where big enough for that matter.
So that is where this scripture fits. "If God is for us, who is against us?" Apparently God is trying to tell me that He is not through with me. I must have something valuable or I feel that I would have woken up with my arms folded across my chest and quarters on my eye lids. I laid down for a much needed nap yesterday afternoon. That is the time that I find that I can be the most honest with God; tucked away under the covers of my bed. "Is this it? Is this how I will finish out my life? Am I just supposed to sit quietly and live out the rest of my days quietly?" Am I just supposed to continue day to day in an environment that doesn't foster my own creativity or the creativity of others? These are the questions I was asking. I am taking the fact that I woke up and wasn't in heaven that the answer was "No".
So my days at SECC are numbered. I am not bitter. I am ready for the next adventure. I am afraid though that this move will be just me, Patricia and the boy. The girls have already expressed that they don't wish to move to a new church. We, on the other hand, have been ready for months. Hannah is about to start a new phase of her life in college so now is not the time to upset her life any more than it already is. Ashley is well connected at SECC and will probably do well there. She has many friends there and she seems to fall into the age bracket that the church is taking the direction to appeal to. I hope she never outlives her usefulness but for now I am sure that she will be used and provided an anvenue of ministry.
I don't know where this next bend in the road will lead. Maybe this bend will take us home.
Blessings
Allen
I was feeling really cast aside this morning. After yesterday's meeting after church, I left thinking "What about me?" Apparently we have reached the point in our church's ministry that merely having a passion for ministry is not enough. A point where a degree is for more important than years of experience. I have felt that this day was coming. I have seen far too many churches cast aside their "seasoned" ministers for more "culturally relavent" ones. Excuse me, but I thought that we were all part of this culture.
Apparently a man who spends countless hours in prayer and meditation and personal worship, just to prepare for about 30 minutes of corporate worship. It seems to me that being Spirit Led is no longer culturally relevant. Our worship has become a travesty. We are more concerned with pleasing the worshipper instead of the object of our worship. I don't really understand where we get the new ideas about worship.
Anyway, our church voted yesterday to extend a call to a new worship/youth/college and career/janitor/church secretary minister. In my experience when a person is called to a church as a worship/anything, one of the ministries will suffer. I was a full-time worship leader for 5 years. It took everything I had to pray, meditate and seek God's face in personal worship. There was no way I would have had time to devote to another ministry, especially youth ministry. I have also served as a Youth Minister. That ministry alone consumed my entire life and the life of my family. How can you possibly devote yourself to a life consuming ministry like youth ministry and a life consuming ministry like worship pastoring? I don't believe it can be done.
I commented to my family yesterday that it is a very hard day when you realize that you have outlived your usefulness; at least to the church you have served faithfully. That is the emotional state that I am in today. I was not aware that I was ready for the Gaither Homecoming crowd. I don't even own a rhinestone jacket and Patricia's hair is no where big enough for that matter.
So that is where this scripture fits. "If God is for us, who is against us?" Apparently God is trying to tell me that He is not through with me. I must have something valuable or I feel that I would have woken up with my arms folded across my chest and quarters on my eye lids. I laid down for a much needed nap yesterday afternoon. That is the time that I find that I can be the most honest with God; tucked away under the covers of my bed. "Is this it? Is this how I will finish out my life? Am I just supposed to sit quietly and live out the rest of my days quietly?" Am I just supposed to continue day to day in an environment that doesn't foster my own creativity or the creativity of others? These are the questions I was asking. I am taking the fact that I woke up and wasn't in heaven that the answer was "No".
So my days at SECC are numbered. I am not bitter. I am ready for the next adventure. I am afraid though that this move will be just me, Patricia and the boy. The girls have already expressed that they don't wish to move to a new church. We, on the other hand, have been ready for months. Hannah is about to start a new phase of her life in college so now is not the time to upset her life any more than it already is. Ashley is well connected at SECC and will probably do well there. She has many friends there and she seems to fall into the age bracket that the church is taking the direction to appeal to. I hope she never outlives her usefulness but for now I am sure that she will be used and provided an anvenue of ministry.
I don't know where this next bend in the road will lead. Maybe this bend will take us home.
Blessings
Allen
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Reactivating
It's been a really long time since I entered anything into this Blog. There are several reasons for that. One reason is that, try as I may to encourage and uplift and use this precious space as a means to allow you to take a look into my soul, it is sometimes misunderstood. I began this record of my existance back when God was doing some pretty powerful things in my life. I wanted to use it to chronicle my journey much like the people in the Bible. They would often build monuments so that they would stop and remember whenever they passed by. They wanted to mark the moment.
Well, I think the last time I wrote here was at the eight month mark of our journey into unemployment. Since that time, I have gone back to work; Tricia is still not working. I started working again on January 13th. January 12th marked exactly 11 months of unemployment. I have blessed to obtain a job that seems to be designed for me. Each requirement on the job description seems to be something that I have experience doing at one time or the other. The crew I work with is a little rough around the edges but they are still good people. We are working our way through the awkwardness of me being the new guy and them getting to know me. I can see myself staying her for a long time.
I am amazed at the transformation during the past 11 months. We never thought we would survive it with everything intact. I have only been working for about 3 weeks so it will take us a long time to get where we need to be financially.
For the most part the transformations have been positive. We have learned to rely on and trust God in a new way. I guess it was the combination of being at home all the time, not really feeling up to exercising that brought about the other transformation. I gained a lot of weight. I mean a lot!! Those of you who have struggled with weight issues know that it seems that the more weight you gain and the more you need to exercise the less you actually feel like it. Even though I didn't have the severe bouts with depression that I expected, it seems that I did experience a physical depression. I just didn't feel like getting out of my chair much less the house. When we would leave home for any reason I couldn't wait to get back home, close the door and retreat to my chair. There would be days that I could not tell you one thing that I actually did. I would watch TV and get on Facebook but that was about it. I would look out the window occasionally and think, "Go for a walk you gravy sucking pig", only to back away and return to my chair. It's not easy walking into the gym for the first time for anyone but it's especially hard when you've been there before and then for whatever reason you stopped. It's hard to handle the looks of judgement. I feel a little like Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart. I preached the message of diet and exercise with a passion. How did this happen to me? I have always had a problem understanding how people can suddenly discover that they weight 700 pounds and can no longer leave their house. I don't have a problem with that anymore. I understand completely. I am nowhere close to 700 lbs, thank God, but I can see how it happens. It happens like everything else, a little at a time.
I am on a journey. A journey to, as my wife puts it, to find Allen again. I have gone to the gym once this week and I am so sore that I thought I was going to have to put my toothbrush on the counter and rub my teeth against it. Every time I get up I feel a twing that lets me know that I have moved in a fashion to which I am not accustomed.
I got selected to participate in Rob's Big Losers for His Radio. Me and four others have been given the chance to change our lives. We each have twelve week memberships at the "Y" to help us in this venture. Every pain I must endure will be worth it. I promised myself that I would be fabulous at 50. The clock is ticking and May 24th 2010 will be here before you know it. I am going to the gym again tonight and probably won't be able to lift my legs tomorrow (it's leg night) but it is good to know that not only will I not be able to kick the cookies away, I won't be able to walk to the refrigerator either.
Blessings
Allen
Well, I think the last time I wrote here was at the eight month mark of our journey into unemployment. Since that time, I have gone back to work; Tricia is still not working. I started working again on January 13th. January 12th marked exactly 11 months of unemployment. I have blessed to obtain a job that seems to be designed for me. Each requirement on the job description seems to be something that I have experience doing at one time or the other. The crew I work with is a little rough around the edges but they are still good people. We are working our way through the awkwardness of me being the new guy and them getting to know me. I can see myself staying her for a long time.
I am amazed at the transformation during the past 11 months. We never thought we would survive it with everything intact. I have only been working for about 3 weeks so it will take us a long time to get where we need to be financially.
For the most part the transformations have been positive. We have learned to rely on and trust God in a new way. I guess it was the combination of being at home all the time, not really feeling up to exercising that brought about the other transformation. I gained a lot of weight. I mean a lot!! Those of you who have struggled with weight issues know that it seems that the more weight you gain and the more you need to exercise the less you actually feel like it. Even though I didn't have the severe bouts with depression that I expected, it seems that I did experience a physical depression. I just didn't feel like getting out of my chair much less the house. When we would leave home for any reason I couldn't wait to get back home, close the door and retreat to my chair. There would be days that I could not tell you one thing that I actually did. I would watch TV and get on Facebook but that was about it. I would look out the window occasionally and think, "Go for a walk you gravy sucking pig", only to back away and return to my chair. It's not easy walking into the gym for the first time for anyone but it's especially hard when you've been there before and then for whatever reason you stopped. It's hard to handle the looks of judgement. I feel a little like Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart. I preached the message of diet and exercise with a passion. How did this happen to me? I have always had a problem understanding how people can suddenly discover that they weight 700 pounds and can no longer leave their house. I don't have a problem with that anymore. I understand completely. I am nowhere close to 700 lbs, thank God, but I can see how it happens. It happens like everything else, a little at a time.
I am on a journey. A journey to, as my wife puts it, to find Allen again. I have gone to the gym once this week and I am so sore that I thought I was going to have to put my toothbrush on the counter and rub my teeth against it. Every time I get up I feel a twing that lets me know that I have moved in a fashion to which I am not accustomed.
I got selected to participate in Rob's Big Losers for His Radio. Me and four others have been given the chance to change our lives. We each have twelve week memberships at the "Y" to help us in this venture. Every pain I must endure will be worth it. I promised myself that I would be fabulous at 50. The clock is ticking and May 24th 2010 will be here before you know it. I am going to the gym again tonight and probably won't be able to lift my legs tomorrow (it's leg night) but it is good to know that not only will I not be able to kick the cookies away, I won't be able to walk to the refrigerator either.
Blessings
Allen
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Rumors of God
I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears!I'm sorry—forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise! I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor. Job 42:5-6
I read this verse this morning in a book I am reading called "Secondhand Jesus". I have to admit; I am just at chapter 2 and normally a book has "grabbed" be by now. This one hasn't yet. I will keep reading though. I was struck by these verses. We are sometimes too content to live on the rumors of God. We listen to messages and hear testimonies of how God performed miracles in the lives of His people. The altars are full and for a few moments or days it looks like God has brought revival. We can't live our lives on the experiences of others. I guess that is where I find myself today. I feel like we're living in some remote corner of the universe alone. I feel like the experiences I have had with God are just distant memories or maybe even fantasies. I find myself in a place of discontentment. I am not content to live my life only knowing God through the stories and the experiences of others. (rumors) I know God to be real and active. I have experinced the presence of God and felt the heaviness of His holiness. I have been forced face down on the floor in repentance, confession and worship. So why am I so discontent now? I can't put my finger on it, I just know that there is more and I want it.
Amidst the rubble of what is our lives these days, God has brought confirmation in some areas. One of those confirmations came in the middle of Walmart last night and the other came in a meeting tonight. I cannot discuss the details of either of these things here but at least two areas are cleared up.
I find myself sitting in front of the computer when everyone else is in bed asleep. I cannot sleep because the events of the day keep running through my mind. I was reading a devotion today about the great revival of 1857 started with one man praying, "What will you have me do?". I am struck by those words and have prayed them several times today. I am prepared to do whatever it is. I am not content to live my life on rumors of who God is or what He is able to do. I am not willing to just listen to stories of how God has delivered. I will not be satisfied with just knowing God from a distance. I want to see Him face to face.
I remember a few years ago that this discontentment started when I picked up a book in the bookstore. I am very funny when it comes to the books I read. I am very picky. I am not a deep theological thinker so the things that appeal to others do not appeal to me. This particular day I was walking down the aisle in the Christian bookstore and a book caught my eye. It literally fell off the shelf into my hands. I read the back cover of the book and almost broke into tears. It seemed that whoever this author was had captured the desires of my heart between the pages of this book. I got home that day and started reading. I must remind you that I was raised Independent Baptist and had been Southern Baptist for years so the whole consept of the Holy Spirit was not something that we talked about that often. I remember in the beginning of the book the writer told a story of how God had manifested Himself. It seems that the presence of God was so powerful that a pulpit was split in half and people were forced to their faces. My first inclination was to close the book. "This can't be real" I told myself. I remember the dissapointment I felt that what I hoped would unleash the passion in my heart had been nothing more than another fairy tale. But then I heard the voice of God. I simple heard Him say, "Read this book, this is real". I read and read and read. This book changed my life. It made me a God Chaser. It brought me to a place of total discontentment and total contentment all at once.
I know that this all seems scattered and that I can't seem to complete a thought, but that is how I find myself. I am in a state of discontented contentment; unsatified satifaction. I keep reading this verse over and over again. I am not content to live on the rumors of God. I am not satisfied with crumbs. I will only be satisfied with the real thing.
Rumors of You
I am not content to live my life with stories of You
I do not intend to just believe what others say You’ll do
I want a passion ever burning
And a hunger ever yearning
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You
I want to know You
And I want to see You for myself
I want to touch You
I want to feel You for myself
I want Your breath to light the fire
Fan the flame of my desire
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You
I am not content to live my life just seeking Your hand
To live my life receiving only blessings is not in my plan
I want a passion ever burning
And a hunger ever yearning
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You
Blessings
Allen
I read this verse this morning in a book I am reading called "Secondhand Jesus". I have to admit; I am just at chapter 2 and normally a book has "grabbed" be by now. This one hasn't yet. I will keep reading though. I was struck by these verses. We are sometimes too content to live on the rumors of God. We listen to messages and hear testimonies of how God performed miracles in the lives of His people. The altars are full and for a few moments or days it looks like God has brought revival. We can't live our lives on the experiences of others. I guess that is where I find myself today. I feel like we're living in some remote corner of the universe alone. I feel like the experiences I have had with God are just distant memories or maybe even fantasies. I find myself in a place of discontentment. I am not content to live my life only knowing God through the stories and the experiences of others. (rumors) I know God to be real and active. I have experinced the presence of God and felt the heaviness of His holiness. I have been forced face down on the floor in repentance, confession and worship. So why am I so discontent now? I can't put my finger on it, I just know that there is more and I want it.
Amidst the rubble of what is our lives these days, God has brought confirmation in some areas. One of those confirmations came in the middle of Walmart last night and the other came in a meeting tonight. I cannot discuss the details of either of these things here but at least two areas are cleared up.
I find myself sitting in front of the computer when everyone else is in bed asleep. I cannot sleep because the events of the day keep running through my mind. I was reading a devotion today about the great revival of 1857 started with one man praying, "What will you have me do?". I am struck by those words and have prayed them several times today. I am prepared to do whatever it is. I am not content to live my life on rumors of who God is or what He is able to do. I am not willing to just listen to stories of how God has delivered. I will not be satisfied with just knowing God from a distance. I want to see Him face to face.
I remember a few years ago that this discontentment started when I picked up a book in the bookstore. I am very funny when it comes to the books I read. I am very picky. I am not a deep theological thinker so the things that appeal to others do not appeal to me. This particular day I was walking down the aisle in the Christian bookstore and a book caught my eye. It literally fell off the shelf into my hands. I read the back cover of the book and almost broke into tears. It seemed that whoever this author was had captured the desires of my heart between the pages of this book. I got home that day and started reading. I must remind you that I was raised Independent Baptist and had been Southern Baptist for years so the whole consept of the Holy Spirit was not something that we talked about that often. I remember in the beginning of the book the writer told a story of how God had manifested Himself. It seems that the presence of God was so powerful that a pulpit was split in half and people were forced to their faces. My first inclination was to close the book. "This can't be real" I told myself. I remember the dissapointment I felt that what I hoped would unleash the passion in my heart had been nothing more than another fairy tale. But then I heard the voice of God. I simple heard Him say, "Read this book, this is real". I read and read and read. This book changed my life. It made me a God Chaser. It brought me to a place of total discontentment and total contentment all at once.
I know that this all seems scattered and that I can't seem to complete a thought, but that is how I find myself. I am in a state of discontented contentment; unsatified satifaction. I keep reading this verse over and over again. I am not content to live on the rumors of God. I am not satisfied with crumbs. I will only be satisfied with the real thing.
Rumors of You
I am not content to live my life with stories of You
I do not intend to just believe what others say You’ll do
I want a passion ever burning
And a hunger ever yearning
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You
I want to know You
And I want to see You for myself
I want to touch You
I want to feel You for myself
I want Your breath to light the fire
Fan the flame of my desire
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You
I am not content to live my life just seeking Your hand
To live my life receiving only blessings is not in my plan
I want a passion ever burning
And a hunger ever yearning
I am not content to live my life with rumors of You
Blessings
Allen
Friday, September 11, 2009
Questions
Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.
Today is September 11th. Eight years ago I remember standing in the fitness room of the YMCA watching the TV as the horrible events of that Tuesday morning unfolded. Ever since I was born I have had an invisible MP3 player playing in my head. I cannot remember a time in my life when there wasn't a song going in my head. I wake several times a night and, without fail, a song is playing. Usually it's an really upbeat song. I can't get it to stop and I can't fall back asleep until I manually change the song on the IPOD of my mind to something more soothing.
As I watched the TV that morning I remember that suddenly the music had stopped. It was a feeling I cannot explain. It was sort of like the dream where you are in your underwear in public. I felt suddenly naked. I had absolutely no song in my head. Even when I tried to manually start a song, no song came to mind. I remember going to the church that afternoon. I was supposed to lead worship the next Sunday so I went to the church to seek the face of God and direction for the service. This day was different. I sat at the piano and nothing happened. Usually sitting at the piano would start an intensely intimate time of personal worship. Usually I would start by playing the song that was in my head at the moment. But nothing happened. I had no song. I fell on my face before God and wept. I asked God, is this what this is about? Is this the beginning where you finally write "Ichabod" across this nation and the world. There was silence. No voice from God and no song. All I could do was weep and cry out to God. "How can I lead these people in worship on Sunday? What could I possibly bring to a congregation experiencing insurmountable hurt and fear?"
I sat at the piano again and placed my hands on the keys and began to tap out the tune, "This is no time for fear, this is time for faith and determination.....God is in control". I have to admit that I had never been a fan of that song. I was never even a Twila Paris fan. We didn't flow in the same circles and I thought the song was mismatched and choppy. I couldn't relate to the words or the music. Until that Tuesday afternoon.
Sunday morning came and instead of the usual upbeat song to open the service, I began by telling this story to the congregation. I began to softly play and sing the words, "This is no time for fear, this is a time for faith and determination...". I looked out, which I very seldom do, and there were tears, there were hugs. People slowly began to come to the altar and pray. God had brought us comfort in a time when the world and our nation was in total Chaos. He had shown us the "But with God" from this verse.
This writing today is for my family. Tomorrow marks seven months that we have been part of the statistic of unemployment. It's scary times for us and our nation. This week has been especially trying. We have faced drama at church, uncertainty in our finances and it seems that everywhere we turn there is another obstacle that has to be hurdled. The questions have come from you guys, "Why is everything so hard?". "Is there any area of our life that isn't a struggle?". I sat you each down on February 13th and told you that this would be a time when God would show Himself mighty, all we have to do is be faithful and trust Him. Trusting has been hard this week. There has been lots of talk about getting a bus and following our dream of traveling the country and leading worship. That is, after all, what we each feel called and created to do. I don't know if I'll wake one morning and a bus with "The Cooke's" will be parked in front of the house. I woke up this morning half way expecting a bus to parked outside and Ty Pennington steps out with a megaphone and says, "Good morning Cooke family. This is the day your dreams come true. God has heard your cries. Climb on and let's go!!! Bus driver, move that bus!!!" Of course that didn't happen. But with God everything is impossible.
Someone said something yesterday that struck me. They said, "God is doing something phenomenal, I can't wait to see what it is". Things look dark. I, myself, have questioned if I should just walk away. Surely your lives could not possibly be any worse. I was reading my devotion today and realized that I had not stopped yesterday to read a devotion. This was the verse from yesterday. The phrase, "But with God...". But with God, there is no such thing as impossible. But with God, there is no such thing as hopeless. But with God, there is no such thing as a has-been. But with God, there is no age requirement or limit. BUT WITH GOD......
Blessings
Allen
Today is September 11th. Eight years ago I remember standing in the fitness room of the YMCA watching the TV as the horrible events of that Tuesday morning unfolded. Ever since I was born I have had an invisible MP3 player playing in my head. I cannot remember a time in my life when there wasn't a song going in my head. I wake several times a night and, without fail, a song is playing. Usually it's an really upbeat song. I can't get it to stop and I can't fall back asleep until I manually change the song on the IPOD of my mind to something more soothing.
As I watched the TV that morning I remember that suddenly the music had stopped. It was a feeling I cannot explain. It was sort of like the dream where you are in your underwear in public. I felt suddenly naked. I had absolutely no song in my head. Even when I tried to manually start a song, no song came to mind. I remember going to the church that afternoon. I was supposed to lead worship the next Sunday so I went to the church to seek the face of God and direction for the service. This day was different. I sat at the piano and nothing happened. Usually sitting at the piano would start an intensely intimate time of personal worship. Usually I would start by playing the song that was in my head at the moment. But nothing happened. I had no song. I fell on my face before God and wept. I asked God, is this what this is about? Is this the beginning where you finally write "Ichabod" across this nation and the world. There was silence. No voice from God and no song. All I could do was weep and cry out to God. "How can I lead these people in worship on Sunday? What could I possibly bring to a congregation experiencing insurmountable hurt and fear?"
I sat at the piano again and placed my hands on the keys and began to tap out the tune, "This is no time for fear, this is time for faith and determination.....God is in control". I have to admit that I had never been a fan of that song. I was never even a Twila Paris fan. We didn't flow in the same circles and I thought the song was mismatched and choppy. I couldn't relate to the words or the music. Until that Tuesday afternoon.
Sunday morning came and instead of the usual upbeat song to open the service, I began by telling this story to the congregation. I began to softly play and sing the words, "This is no time for fear, this is a time for faith and determination...". I looked out, which I very seldom do, and there were tears, there were hugs. People slowly began to come to the altar and pray. God had brought us comfort in a time when the world and our nation was in total Chaos. He had shown us the "But with God" from this verse.
This writing today is for my family. Tomorrow marks seven months that we have been part of the statistic of unemployment. It's scary times for us and our nation. This week has been especially trying. We have faced drama at church, uncertainty in our finances and it seems that everywhere we turn there is another obstacle that has to be hurdled. The questions have come from you guys, "Why is everything so hard?". "Is there any area of our life that isn't a struggle?". I sat you each down on February 13th and told you that this would be a time when God would show Himself mighty, all we have to do is be faithful and trust Him. Trusting has been hard this week. There has been lots of talk about getting a bus and following our dream of traveling the country and leading worship. That is, after all, what we each feel called and created to do. I don't know if I'll wake one morning and a bus with "The Cooke's" will be parked in front of the house. I woke up this morning half way expecting a bus to parked outside and Ty Pennington steps out with a megaphone and says, "Good morning Cooke family. This is the day your dreams come true. God has heard your cries. Climb on and let's go!!! Bus driver, move that bus!!!" Of course that didn't happen. But with God everything is impossible.
Someone said something yesterday that struck me. They said, "God is doing something phenomenal, I can't wait to see what it is". Things look dark. I, myself, have questioned if I should just walk away. Surely your lives could not possibly be any worse. I was reading my devotion today and realized that I had not stopped yesterday to read a devotion. This was the verse from yesterday. The phrase, "But with God...". But with God, there is no such thing as impossible. But with God, there is no such thing as hopeless. But with God, there is no such thing as a has-been. But with God, there is no age requirement or limit. BUT WITH GOD......
Blessings
Allen
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Abandoned
Psalm 139:6-8 (New Living Translation)
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
Eight days from now will be the six month anniversary of when Patricia and I were laid off from our jobs. It's been a harrowing experience that I fear is no where close to be over. All the signs point to the fact that things in our economy may get worse before they get better. Summer is almost officially over and all those summer jobs are ending so the employment rate is going up again. I don't know how we've made it this far. Well, really I do know; God never forsakes us. He makes sure we have what we need. I just wish His standard of "need" was the same as mine sometimes. I am fighting very hard today to be in good spirits and follow hard after God. It is difficult some days, especially when you took your daughter to work and returned home with the gas needle on zero. I don't know exactly how many miles you can go on zero. I was afraid that today I was about to find out. I wish I had some miraculous story to tell about how I heard a voice telling me to pull into a station and when I pulled up there was a man ready to swipe his credit card and fill my car up with gas. I would have felt like Elijah for sure and would have probably stopped right there and stripped off to my boxers and danced in the street. I don't have story like that. I pulled into the driveway, very thankful that God had gotten me home. I have probably about a thimble full of gas in my gas can for the mower. I was going to use it to cut the front lawn today.
Last week was a very trying week for us. Emotionally we were all spent. It seemed that every time I tried to spend time in prayer that I spent the majority of the time weeping. We felt abandoned by God and by the family of God. We were at a point of being weary of people asking us if we are OK. Our response has always been, "Yes, we're OK". We are not ok but we have found that if we are honest, people don't know what to do. They come to us with genuine concern and they really want to know about our circumstances. They just don't know what to do.
I was at the point of desperation last week and all I could do was cry out to God. I can handle anything that is thrown my way as long as I am not abandoned by God. As long as I can still hear His voice, I can keep walking, keep trusting and keep following hard after Him. There are times when we feel like that we are stuck on some remote corner of the universe, far away from everyone. No one hears our cries and no one feels our hurts. But as long as we know that God is there, that He's working on our behalf, that He is holding everything in His hands, we are OK. I will probably get up from this writing and have a freak out session in a matter of moments. I will cry and throw a tantrum like all kids do and then a little while later I will feel like a fool because I hear Him. I hear Him say, "Where can you go that I am not already there? Even if you walk through hell, I will be there". These words I know in my heart are true. Putting them into action in my life is another matter. I want to be the kind of man that follows hard after God. I don't want to be irresponsible and not take care of my family but I want my passion for God to far outweigh everything else. When my children sit around my table I want them to tell stories of how God was present in out lives. It seems that the stories they tell now are never about shopping trips and when we lived in abundance, it's always about times when walking and following and trusting were the hardest.
We can handle anything as long as we know that we are not abandoned.
My job is to follow hard after Him. His job is to be God. He does His job whether or not I do mine.
What will I do about the gas situation? I don't have a clue. I fully expect a miracle because without one I probably won't get out of the driveway. All I know is that God promised that He will be with me even when I have to walk to Rincon and carry Ashley back home on my back. I just have to be the kind of man that is OK, regardless. I just need to be thankful that I have legs to walk on, breath to heave in and out of my body and a charged up MP3 player to listen to and take my mind off the pain.
I hope that if you read this Blog that you understand this is not a chance for me to whine, or that I have an ulterior motive. This Blog is about me and my feelings, passions and struggles. I don't use this space to try to get a point across. I have no idea who reads and who does not unless they post a response or tell me they read it. This is a record of my journey. A journey that takes lots of twists and turns and highs and lows. This is my way to be transparent with myself and be honest about what I feel. I hope it encourages you but mostly it encourages me because I use the previous posts as monuments to the awesomeness of God. I look back and think how foolish I was to doubt who God is and what He can do.
Blessings
Allen
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
Eight days from now will be the six month anniversary of when Patricia and I were laid off from our jobs. It's been a harrowing experience that I fear is no where close to be over. All the signs point to the fact that things in our economy may get worse before they get better. Summer is almost officially over and all those summer jobs are ending so the employment rate is going up again. I don't know how we've made it this far. Well, really I do know; God never forsakes us. He makes sure we have what we need. I just wish His standard of "need" was the same as mine sometimes. I am fighting very hard today to be in good spirits and follow hard after God. It is difficult some days, especially when you took your daughter to work and returned home with the gas needle on zero. I don't know exactly how many miles you can go on zero. I was afraid that today I was about to find out. I wish I had some miraculous story to tell about how I heard a voice telling me to pull into a station and when I pulled up there was a man ready to swipe his credit card and fill my car up with gas. I would have felt like Elijah for sure and would have probably stopped right there and stripped off to my boxers and danced in the street. I don't have story like that. I pulled into the driveway, very thankful that God had gotten me home. I have probably about a thimble full of gas in my gas can for the mower. I was going to use it to cut the front lawn today.
Last week was a very trying week for us. Emotionally we were all spent. It seemed that every time I tried to spend time in prayer that I spent the majority of the time weeping. We felt abandoned by God and by the family of God. We were at a point of being weary of people asking us if we are OK. Our response has always been, "Yes, we're OK". We are not ok but we have found that if we are honest, people don't know what to do. They come to us with genuine concern and they really want to know about our circumstances. They just don't know what to do.
I was at the point of desperation last week and all I could do was cry out to God. I can handle anything that is thrown my way as long as I am not abandoned by God. As long as I can still hear His voice, I can keep walking, keep trusting and keep following hard after Him. There are times when we feel like that we are stuck on some remote corner of the universe, far away from everyone. No one hears our cries and no one feels our hurts. But as long as we know that God is there, that He's working on our behalf, that He is holding everything in His hands, we are OK. I will probably get up from this writing and have a freak out session in a matter of moments. I will cry and throw a tantrum like all kids do and then a little while later I will feel like a fool because I hear Him. I hear Him say, "Where can you go that I am not already there? Even if you walk through hell, I will be there". These words I know in my heart are true. Putting them into action in my life is another matter. I want to be the kind of man that follows hard after God. I don't want to be irresponsible and not take care of my family but I want my passion for God to far outweigh everything else. When my children sit around my table I want them to tell stories of how God was present in out lives. It seems that the stories they tell now are never about shopping trips and when we lived in abundance, it's always about times when walking and following and trusting were the hardest.
We can handle anything as long as we know that we are not abandoned.
My job is to follow hard after Him. His job is to be God. He does His job whether or not I do mine.
What will I do about the gas situation? I don't have a clue. I fully expect a miracle because without one I probably won't get out of the driveway. All I know is that God promised that He will be with me even when I have to walk to Rincon and carry Ashley back home on my back. I just have to be the kind of man that is OK, regardless. I just need to be thankful that I have legs to walk on, breath to heave in and out of my body and a charged up MP3 player to listen to and take my mind off the pain.
I hope that if you read this Blog that you understand this is not a chance for me to whine, or that I have an ulterior motive. This Blog is about me and my feelings, passions and struggles. I don't use this space to try to get a point across. I have no idea who reads and who does not unless they post a response or tell me they read it. This is a record of my journey. A journey that takes lots of twists and turns and highs and lows. This is my way to be transparent with myself and be honest about what I feel. I hope it encourages you but mostly it encourages me because I use the previous posts as monuments to the awesomeness of God. I look back and think how foolish I was to doubt who God is and what He can do.
Blessings
Allen
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Rejection
Isaiah 37:14-20 (New Living Translation)
14 After Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it, he went up to the Lord’s Temple and spread it out before the Lord. 15 And Hezekiah prayed this prayer before the Lord: 16 “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, God of Israel, you are enthroned between the mighty cherubim! You alone are God of all the kingdoms of the earth. You alone created the heavens and the earth. 17 Bend down, O Lord, and listen! Open your eyes, O Lord, and see! Listen to Sennacherib’s words of defiance against the living God.
18 “It is true, Lord, that the kings of Assyria have destroyed all these nations. 19 And they have thrown the gods of these nations into the fire and burned them. But of course the Assyrians could destroy them! They were not gods at all—only idols of wood and stone shaped by human hands. 20 Now, O Lord our God, rescue us from his power; then all the kingdoms of the earth will know that you alone, O Lord, are God.”
It's been a while since I have entered anything into this Blog. I haven't had much to say it seems. That is not to say that my life has not had just as many twists and turns as usual but I just didn't think I had anything encouraging to say. People always say, "My mama told me that if Ididn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all". My mama never told me that. (That is an entirely different subject)
Anyway, I was reading my daily devotion (one of several) and just happened to be in the book of Isaiah. I love the book of Isaiah. It seems that we see God the way He intended; working, active and present. We see lots of failures on the part of the Jews and we see lots of triumphs when God honors them and protects them even though they failed. All they had to do was cry out.
I read over these verses and at first I didn't really "get" it. So I read back a few verses. I had read this story before but I felt that God wanted me to read again....for me.
It seems that Hezzakiah received a scathing letter from the king of Assyria. Basically it said that His God would not protect him and that he was coming to get him and was going to destroy everything and take the city by force. He made a mockery of the very God of Israel. That is the wrong thing to do. Hezzakiah took the letter, spread it out before the Lord and prayed. He told God that this was not just a slap in the face of Israel but it was a slap in the face to the God of creation. The real God. Hezzekiah was not ok with that.
You may say, "what does that have to do with you?" Well, here goes. On Febraury 12th of this year I received my first rejection letter. I got laid off from a job that I had poured my heart and soul into. Sure, things had been rocky for the past year of so but I thought that things would eventually smooth out and I would be able to work at what I loved to do. I've been rejected many times before and always seemed to bounce back. This time it took the wind out of my sails. There have been times when I questioned God but I know it's for His glory.
I was encouraged by my wife and others close by me to spend this time working on one of the passions of my life; song writing. I have several songs I have written but had never submitted any of them because part of me just didn't think they measured up. Sure, they fit the occasion or the times when they were written, but I wasn't sure that they would appeal to anyone else. I have never been into self-promotion so it was hard for me to submit a song. It seemed that everything fell into place and I felt led to submit a song called "Speak the Name". I spent the extra money to send it certified so that I would be sure they got it. Months went by and I received a letter. It always seems that discouraging news comes at just the right time. The letter very politely said that the song wasn't good enough. I was crushed for a brief time but I recovered. I jsut decided that the songs I write are so personal to me that maybe thats what I need to concentrate on; writing songs that minister to me in my personal worship times.
The job search has been constant for me. Even though God has blessed us beyond measure and the bills are paid and we have not missed any meals, I still want to go to work. A position was advertised at a church in our area that I knew that I was qualified for so I applied. The money was not what I was unsed to but when you get Unemployement benefits anything is a step up. I just wanted to work. I applied and was called for an interview. I came home very happy. I knew the interview went well. I ran into all kinds of people that I knew that would be giving me recommendations. Time passed and I didn't hear anything. Until Tuesday of this week. I received a very polite letter saying, "After prayerful consideraton, we have chosen another applicant whose qualifications best suit our needs." The blood ran from my face and I almost hit the ground beside the mailbox. I can't remember a time when I have been so crushed. Patricia will tell you that that became a very difficult day. It seemed that the clouds rolled in and covered the sun. Another rejection. How much of this am I expected to endure?
So, back to the devotion. I felt that as I read this story about Hezzekiah that God wanted me to do the same. I dug through the old mail file (actually it's a box beside the freezer) and found the rejection letter for the song. I then looked through the current mail and found the letter about the job rejection. I told Patricia I was going to bed early and I took the letters with me. I spread the letter out on my bed and prayed. I told God that these letters told me things I had beleived about myself all my life. They said that I didn't measure up and that I didn't fit in. I told Him that I didn't understand why I was more proned to believe letters written by man instead of Words written by God Himself. I told Him that this time of waiting had ceased to be a honor to Him and had begun to look like redicule. Sure everyone tells us that we are being so faithful and how proud they are of us. I don't feel that way any more. I feel like this situation has become a mockery to who God is and what He can do. When I opened that letter from the church and almost fell to my knees in discouragement I could feel Satan himself dancing around in circles, pointing his brimstone stained finger in my face mocking the very God that I knew was able to deliver me. So after I poured my heart out to God and told Him that I refused to believe these letters and that expected Him to deliver us, I went to bed.
I woke the next morning expecting a call from Song Discovery or from the church. Neither of those calls came. I still hold in my hand those letters. I will continue to lay them out before God. That is all I know to do. I have no strength on my own. Everyone knows I am not the brightest crayon in the box. I have no talent and no abilities aside from what God has allowed me to have. Am I ok? Not really. I find that I am contiually on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I have all the faith in God a person is allowed to have. Other times I am in the very bottom of the pit of despair. I don't see the end of this. The economy is still in bad shape and there are so many others in worse shape than me. I will continue to "spread my letters out before God".
Blessings
Allen
14 After Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it, he went up to the Lord’s Temple and spread it out before the Lord. 15 And Hezekiah prayed this prayer before the Lord: 16 “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, God of Israel, you are enthroned between the mighty cherubim! You alone are God of all the kingdoms of the earth. You alone created the heavens and the earth. 17 Bend down, O Lord, and listen! Open your eyes, O Lord, and see! Listen to Sennacherib’s words of defiance against the living God.
18 “It is true, Lord, that the kings of Assyria have destroyed all these nations. 19 And they have thrown the gods of these nations into the fire and burned them. But of course the Assyrians could destroy them! They were not gods at all—only idols of wood and stone shaped by human hands. 20 Now, O Lord our God, rescue us from his power; then all the kingdoms of the earth will know that you alone, O Lord, are God.”
It's been a while since I have entered anything into this Blog. I haven't had much to say it seems. That is not to say that my life has not had just as many twists and turns as usual but I just didn't think I had anything encouraging to say. People always say, "My mama told me that if Ididn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all". My mama never told me that. (That is an entirely different subject)
Anyway, I was reading my daily devotion (one of several) and just happened to be in the book of Isaiah. I love the book of Isaiah. It seems that we see God the way He intended; working, active and present. We see lots of failures on the part of the Jews and we see lots of triumphs when God honors them and protects them even though they failed. All they had to do was cry out.
I read over these verses and at first I didn't really "get" it. So I read back a few verses. I had read this story before but I felt that God wanted me to read again....for me.
It seems that Hezzakiah received a scathing letter from the king of Assyria. Basically it said that His God would not protect him and that he was coming to get him and was going to destroy everything and take the city by force. He made a mockery of the very God of Israel. That is the wrong thing to do. Hezzakiah took the letter, spread it out before the Lord and prayed. He told God that this was not just a slap in the face of Israel but it was a slap in the face to the God of creation. The real God. Hezzekiah was not ok with that.
You may say, "what does that have to do with you?" Well, here goes. On Febraury 12th of this year I received my first rejection letter. I got laid off from a job that I had poured my heart and soul into. Sure, things had been rocky for the past year of so but I thought that things would eventually smooth out and I would be able to work at what I loved to do. I've been rejected many times before and always seemed to bounce back. This time it took the wind out of my sails. There have been times when I questioned God but I know it's for His glory.
I was encouraged by my wife and others close by me to spend this time working on one of the passions of my life; song writing. I have several songs I have written but had never submitted any of them because part of me just didn't think they measured up. Sure, they fit the occasion or the times when they were written, but I wasn't sure that they would appeal to anyone else. I have never been into self-promotion so it was hard for me to submit a song. It seemed that everything fell into place and I felt led to submit a song called "Speak the Name". I spent the extra money to send it certified so that I would be sure they got it. Months went by and I received a letter. It always seems that discouraging news comes at just the right time. The letter very politely said that the song wasn't good enough. I was crushed for a brief time but I recovered. I jsut decided that the songs I write are so personal to me that maybe thats what I need to concentrate on; writing songs that minister to me in my personal worship times.
The job search has been constant for me. Even though God has blessed us beyond measure and the bills are paid and we have not missed any meals, I still want to go to work. A position was advertised at a church in our area that I knew that I was qualified for so I applied. The money was not what I was unsed to but when you get Unemployement benefits anything is a step up. I just wanted to work. I applied and was called for an interview. I came home very happy. I knew the interview went well. I ran into all kinds of people that I knew that would be giving me recommendations. Time passed and I didn't hear anything. Until Tuesday of this week. I received a very polite letter saying, "After prayerful consideraton, we have chosen another applicant whose qualifications best suit our needs." The blood ran from my face and I almost hit the ground beside the mailbox. I can't remember a time when I have been so crushed. Patricia will tell you that that became a very difficult day. It seemed that the clouds rolled in and covered the sun. Another rejection. How much of this am I expected to endure?
So, back to the devotion. I felt that as I read this story about Hezzekiah that God wanted me to do the same. I dug through the old mail file (actually it's a box beside the freezer) and found the rejection letter for the song. I then looked through the current mail and found the letter about the job rejection. I told Patricia I was going to bed early and I took the letters with me. I spread the letter out on my bed and prayed. I told God that these letters told me things I had beleived about myself all my life. They said that I didn't measure up and that I didn't fit in. I told Him that I didn't understand why I was more proned to believe letters written by man instead of Words written by God Himself. I told Him that this time of waiting had ceased to be a honor to Him and had begun to look like redicule. Sure everyone tells us that we are being so faithful and how proud they are of us. I don't feel that way any more. I feel like this situation has become a mockery to who God is and what He can do. When I opened that letter from the church and almost fell to my knees in discouragement I could feel Satan himself dancing around in circles, pointing his brimstone stained finger in my face mocking the very God that I knew was able to deliver me. So after I poured my heart out to God and told Him that I refused to believe these letters and that expected Him to deliver us, I went to bed.
I woke the next morning expecting a call from Song Discovery or from the church. Neither of those calls came. I still hold in my hand those letters. I will continue to lay them out before God. That is all I know to do. I have no strength on my own. Everyone knows I am not the brightest crayon in the box. I have no talent and no abilities aside from what God has allowed me to have. Am I ok? Not really. I find that I am contiually on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I have all the faith in God a person is allowed to have. Other times I am in the very bottom of the pit of despair. I don't see the end of this. The economy is still in bad shape and there are so many others in worse shape than me. I will continue to "spread my letters out before God".
Blessings
Allen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)